I’m a Pediatric Sleep Consultant and I Don’t Believe in “Bad Habits”
I know I know, a pediatric sleep consultant that doesn’t believe there are any bad sleep habits? That doesn’t sound right.
Before you decide I’m terrible at my job and start googling for a different consultant, hear me out.
I can’t stand the term “bad sleep habit.” Why? Because there really is no such thing.
I meet so many parents of newborns and very young babies who are quick to tell me they don’t do XYZ because they know it’s a bad habit. This includes everything from rocking their baby to sleep to letting their baby contact nap as they binge watch Gray’s Anatomy for the 10th time.
It breaks my heart.
The internet is full of *really helpful* blogs and articles (nonscientific) that inform you they know everything about parenting and if you deviate from their narrative, you’ll most likely end up raising a serial killer.
And I get it from their perspective, I really do. How can you be the authority on parenting if you don’t stick by the fact that your way is the only way. Only if you do what I say, can you be a successful parent.
What these mommy-bloggers and groups don’t consider is that many new mothers forget to take all advice with a grain of salt. New moms are often so terrified of “messing up” they deny themselves any of the pleasures of parenting. I know I did.
When my daughter was born, I was petrified I was going to screw her up. I remember one time when she was about 6 months old, I zoned out on an episode of ER for about 20 minutes. My daughter was fine, she was lying in a lounger right next to me on the couch playing with a teether toy and rather enjoying herself.
I snapped out of my sleep deprived mental break and realized that I hadn’t said a word to her in 20 minutes.
OH NO
I laugh at it now, but at the time? Full on panic mode. I immediately picked her up and started talking to her in this happy sing song voice. I was convinced that because of those 20 minutes that I wasn’t 100% focused on her that I had blown it. My heart raced as I worried about her attachment to me and her speech development. There was no way she wouldn’t have a speech delay and grow up to resent me now.
Obviously, I overreacted. In hind-sight I can see that, but I will never forget that at one point I thought 20 minutes of my daughter safely and happily playing on her own ruined her.
Because I’ve been there, I vowed when I got my Pediatric Sleep Consulting Certification, I would do everything in my power to help parents not feel that way. Thus, my philosophy of “there are no bad habits” was formed.
So, let’s break down Sleep Habits, or Associations as they are actually called.
There are two different categories of sleep associations, dependent and independent.
Dependent sleep associations require the help of another person to be performed, while independent associations are ones that an individual can, you guessed it, provide for themselves.
Independent Sleep Associations (what some call good sleep habits) include:
-A conducive environment
-White noise
- pacifiers*
- a lovey or small stuffed animal (not under 12 months)
- Sleep sacks
- a soothing bedtime routine
Dependent Sleep Associations (often called bad habits) include:
-Rocking, bouncing, walking to sleep
-feeding to sleep
-holding to sleep
-pacifiers*
The thing is, dependent sleep associations aren’t intrinsically bad. They may be undesirable to the parent or caregiver but they may not be. That is something only the caregiver can decide for themselves and their family. When we use the term “bad” it becomes a blanket term.
All parents must avoid “bad habits” at all costs or, as in the case of my 20-minute mental break, your child is ruined FOREVER.
(I’m being sarcastic in that statement in case you had any doubt.)
The reality is, all of these sleep associations have their time and place in every child’s life. By labeling them as “bad”, we end up encouraging parents to resist their instincts to comfort their child in the way they deem best.
Let’s change the narrative
Instead of thinking as something as a “bad” or “good” habit when it comes to putting your child to sleep, I want you to think of it as “desirable” or “not desirable.”
How do you know which category something belongs in? Ask yourself the following questions:
1. Do I enjoy this?
2. Do I mind the fact that I have to repeat this behavior every time I want my child to fall asleep?
3. Is this behavior disruptive to my child’s well-being, my relationship with my child, my spouse, or my other immediate family members?
If you answered Yes to the first question and No to the last two- then it’s a desirable sleep association and you really shouldn’t concern yourself with outsiders’ opinions on what they think you should be doing.
Sometimes our feelings about sleep associations change, and that’s okay too. You might have enjoyed rocking your newborn to sleep, but now that they’re 8-months old and you find yourself up 4 hours a night rocking them back to sleep, you’ve changed your mind.
That’s okay
If your child is sick or goes through a difficult time and you find yourself temporarily needing to hold them or stay with them until they are asleep.
That’s okay
If you want to have an independent sleeper and attempt to never establish dependent sleep associations.
That’s okay
Consider what people say, because sometimes it can be helpful, and decide if it works for your family or not. I always say take any and all advice and process it. Keep what works and throw the rest out.
You may completely disagree with me and think under no circumstances should a parent either A) help their child to sleep at all or B) expect their child to self soothe. That’s alright by me.
You’re always entitled to your own opinion, but you aren’t entitled to force it upon anyone else.
What if you find yourself with an association that you no longer enjoy, or maybe never did? This is when you could use the help of a pediatric sleep consultant.
At Raising Successful Sleepers,I strive to meet parents where they are and help them get to where they want to be in a way that feels natural and comfortable to them. I’ll always encourage and respect the fact that you are the parent in this situation and I’m only here to offer education and support.
If you’re happy with your current situation, don’t change it simply because others say you should.
Have questions or comments? Shoot me an email: Brittany@raisingsuccessfulsleeepers.com
*You’re probably wondering about that asterisk after the Pacifier on the list- It’s because a pacifier can be an independent or a dependent sleep prop. If your baby cannot reinsert the pacifier on their own then it’s considered dependent. If they can, it’s independent. Every family feels differently on pacifiers and their usefulness. If you’re finding yourself having problems with it we can help but there’s no real right or wrong on pacifier use in general.